bigtips

Why does she let her family keep her away from me?

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

Dear Tip,

Help! I am in the worst situation and badly in need of an unbiased opinion.

I am 27 and my (ex) fiancé is 24. We have been together since June 1997, and until now have been able to cope successfully with our problems.

She is of Spanish descent, and her family considers our relationship “unholy.” Last August she had had to go back home to finish college and to live with her parents while doing it.

In February, her parents discovered we were more than friends when they went through her belongings and found, among other things, my letters and a pair of my underwear. Needless to say, they were outraged.

Since then, they have tried to prevent me from contacting her and vice-versa: they have changed their telephone number, and they read her mail without giving it to her. She is very afraid of disappointing her family, and has advised me that she cannot be with me any more. She does, however, keep sending mixed messages: She swears that she'll move back here in August after she finishes school.

Before they found out about our relationship, these people had known me for about one year. I stayed at their home, we attended church together, went out for dinner, and spent a lot of time talking about various topics. Furthermore, her brothers (both of whom have married white women) had also gotten to know and like me. But now that the parents have found out the truth, her entire family has given her an ultimatum: either them or me.

I even drove 12 hours to see her and attend her graduation about two weeks ago, and she never even came to see me because her mother saw me in a shopping mall and refused to let her leave the house. (I did go see a movie at a mall, and since I did not speak to my fiancé at all, I tend to believe the excuse.) When I did see her at the graduation, she was very afraid that her family would see me there. Sadly, I left the graduation, drove home, and have not heard from her since.

I don't know what to do. Since I have never had a problems with my homosexuality as far as my family is concerned, I have a very hard time understanding why a grown woman has to live her life by her family's standards. She is adamant that she is proud of being gay, but I feel that she is ashamed of being with me because of her family.

I don't have any answers to any of my questions because she has not bothered to even call and apologize for the graduation incident. Should I just throw a two-year relationship out of the window? Am I to assume that this is what she has done since I have not heard from her?

Dear Waiting Room,

Lady in Waiting

Well, if you haven't actually been dumped, you're fighting family, hometown, and the Catholic church for your girlfriend's heart (if not her soul). This is why everyone needs to come out, and simultaneously, why almost everyone will suffer for doing so, before pushing through to the place where it feels integrated and safer to say who you really

are.

Many people choose not to come out before their parents are finished supporting them through school, because of the possibility of being cut off or pulled out, but this sort of situation is the frequent upshot of that plan. She didn't tell them herself, so she feels caught and scared and they feel lied to, which further fuels the ol' "righteous" anger. Yes, she is an adult, but a young one. Apparently

it's too hard for her to be herself in her parents' house. (If she graduated, why is she there until August?)

There are ways she could communicate with you. She can get a P.O. box for mail, or get mail at a friend's house. She can call you collect from a pay phone. But if her mother was able to prevent her from leaving the house (how?) when you were in town, that may be happening again.

Two years is a lot to throw away without completely understanding what each person is thinking. You have to have at least one more focused time together, at which you make up and strategize, or you break up. Have a mutual friend do the arrangements for you.

If possible, go back and stay at a friend's home, or even a hotel, and get her to tell you what she wants. If she's not willing to do this, then let her know that if she shows up in August, you can talk then, but who knows where your heart will be by then?

I'm sorry this is happening. It's an old, sad story. The closet kills relationships. I hope yours squeaks out under the door.

Hey gang! I recently had cause to review a few newish lesbian porn movies, and they turned out to be better that I thought they'd be. I thought I'd share them with you, just to make sure your summer is steamy.

San Francisco Lesbian Bondage Club #3 (1998, Dungeon Video) is a video with a girl for everyone. A tart in roller skates. Chunky babes in prison. A skinny L.A. type spanking a swing girl. And my favorites, a laughing redhead who packs a Tootsie Pop and keeps her naughty schoolgirl smiling as she whales the bejezus out of her.

Of course, there were some porn crimes. What's up with the pantomimed humping? And would someone please, please tell the tops that when they do that "Oh you want it? You don't deserve it? Are you going to thank me for it?" number, that they have a bit of an aerobics instructor thing going on, not to mention the uptalk factor, which is disempowering and inappropriate for any top worth her clamps.

Worst of all, but predictably, because this is a "fetish" video, there's no penetration. Frankly, by the time I'm done with this many women I'm usually ready for a quick poke, at the very least. But all in all, this is jampacked with chick-paddlin' goodness.

If you're more into keeping the "all-girlaction" mainstream porn actresses working, check out Lesbian Mature Women 4 (1999, Channel 69 Video). Oddly reserved name aside (in a rack of offerings like Pokeahotass and Santa's Itty Bitty Titty Helpers), here's a pack of ladies who don't even take off their wedding rings before they rev up their vibrators and take liberties with the filly next door.

I learned a lot from this movie, but most importantly, if you keep increasing your implant size, you never have to worry about sagging breasts. What makes this video stand out? Enthusiastic rimming. Several real orgasms. No music, thank goodness (because I'm pretty sure that, given a choice, these women would go with Kenny G, or worse, Melissa Etheridge.)

Torturous factors? The phrase titty sandwich. The deadly "no-lip-contact lick n' twirl kissing" which made my girlfriend run out of the room. And God help us, the cheap elastic harnesses. However, when I throw the pros and the cons in the hopper, and factor in that scene in the cab with the driver watching, I've got to give it a resounding thumbs up, even though thumbs make no noise. Lesbian Mature Women 4: ask for it by name.

· Burning questions? Contact me at the Chronicle, attention Big Tips, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or e-mail to martone@drizzle.com.

John R. O'Connor, LISW ACSW

of D.L. Dunkle and Associates

Practicing in Two Locations!

5 S. Main Street

Suite 204

Oberlin, Ohio

44074

12417 Cedar Road,

Suites 21-24 Cleveland Hts., Ohio

44106

216-229-2100 800-938-9973

Lakeshore Landscape Hardware, & Garden Center Caters to Your Growing Home Improvement Needs

1-90 East to the Lakeshore Blvd. exit'

• Your Favorite Annuals & Perennials

• Yard Care Staples: Mulch, Topsoil, Fertilizer & More

• Expert Advice On All Of Your Do-It-Yourself Home

Projects: Electrical, Lighting, Plumbing & Tools

Open 7 Days A Week Minutes from Downtown Cleveland

Mention this ad with any purchase and receive a free soft drink from our Snack Shop!

14002 Lakeshore Blvd. Cleveland, OH 44110 216 531-7600

DANCIN'

in the streets

sunday

JULY 18, 1999

(1-10:00 p.m.)

C L E

E L A N

featuring national DI

Julian Marsh•

Donation $20. at the gate, $15. before day of event. Tickets are available at the AIDS Taskforce of Greater Cleveland or may be purchased at bar nights in the upcoming weeks. To purchase tickets or for information regarding the event call the AIDS Taskforce at 216.621.0766 (ext. 103). Dancin will be held on Mall B located between Lakeside and SE Clair Aves. just west of the Cleveland Convention Center). All proceeds benefit the AIDS Taskforce of Greater Cleveland which provides AIDS prevention, education and outreach services. Please bring one nonperishable food item for donation the day of the event. No bottles, cans Or coolers. Proper L.D. is required.

the

TASKFORCE

eet S.